It’s Draft Day which means two things. 1) Kevin Costner is sure to be making a few moves. 2) It’s time to embrace the cliches.
What cliches you ask? Lets start with the mock drafts. After the first two picks tonight, they will not matter. The bold predictions, the pundits, the inside sources, none of them are relevant anymore after one or two trades offset everything. And my one surefire prediction this year is that there will be a record number of first round trades (there’s already two). Also how about those player comparisons? This guy is the next Ed Reed, he’s a Randy Moss like deep threat, the best linebacker prospect since LT, this guy plays safety like Sabby Piscatelli. Wait a minute….
In all honestly, we have no idea what will happen tonight or after tonight. So we might as well breakdown every big name rookie QB and compare them to an alcoholic drink. Lets go.
Jared Goff (California): Goff is all but a lock to be the first pick in the draft to the St. Louis Rams. Despite having not played under center during his college career, Goff is considered the “safe guy” to take. And so it goes. Goff was the consensus top pick prior to the 2015 college football season and he’s from California, etc.. With that being said, Goff is no more than a last round fantasy flyer selection for next season. The logic is quite simple. Although he’ll be playing alongside Todd Gurley, Goff has very few weapons to target through the air. St. Louis was among the worst passing offenses last season and the addition of a rookie won’t really improve this too much. Even last year with Jameis Winston going to Tampa and Marcus Mariota going to Tennessee neither QB was really worthy of more than a fantasy dailies play on the cheap or one of the last spots on your bench (because your starting QB either sucked or was injured) by the end of the season. Goff is not as highly touted as either of these guys were.
If Jared Goff was an alcoholic drink based off his fantasy value the Cal star would be the Franz boxed wine. He’s certainly not fantasy vintage, but he’s best case scenario worth keeping in the back of your pantry in case of emergency. At the start of 2016, Goff will be no more then a QB#3 only worth drafting in bizarre formats with two QBs.
Carson Wentz (North Dakota St): The NFL Draft has become so unpredictable over the years that the top two QBs (and also picks) in this draft will be a guy that went to Cal that hasn’t taken snaps under center and a guy that went to North Dakota St that hasn’t played against NCAA D1 competition. On paper, it appears that Wentz has everything but the college football pedigree. He leaped up the draft board after scouts witnessed his athleticism and he also interviewed well. Basically the guy has everything going for him other than the fact he played at fucking North Dakota State. The Eagles obviously saw something they liked when they mortgaged their future to move up to the second pick (despite already having over $30 million in guaranteed money shelled out to the position). The only other guarantee this draft is that Wentz goes to the Eagles.
If Carson Wentz was an alcoholic drink based off his fantasy value the obscure QB would have to be a random craft beer from some brewery out of bumfuck nowhere. As far as that brew would taste, I think it would start off very bitter and displeasing, but slowly you’d adapt to it until it was more tolerable than say…a box of the Franz. By the end of the season Wentz could have some fantasy value.
Paxton Lynch (Memphis): After the first few picks, the 2016 Rookie Draft Class is pretty useless as far as fantasy value goes for this year. The next man down the totem pole is who other than Memphis’ Paxton Lynch. It seems like Lynch is the guy that will drop and drop and drop until late in the first round to early second round. Some experts think Lynch will go to Dallas in the lottery picks or Cleveland at #8 or maybe to the New York Jets at #20. I doubt he’ll go in any of those spots although he could easily end up on one of those teams in a different spot. Lynch probably would have gone higher if he didn’t look like the guy that gave you a bad dose of molly at that music festival you went to last year. Seriously, he has a face that’s destined for Dateline. With that being said, I think Cleveland trades up late into the first round to land him. Sound familiar?
If Paxton Lynch was an alcoholic drink based off his fantasy value he’d be a Bud Light Lime because he looks like the type of dude that may or may not attend a Pit Bull concert. He also may or may not become a part time, bisexual DJ by the age of 27.
Connor Cook (Michigan State): Well it took us long enough, but our fourth prospect to be picked tonight is who other than Spartan Connor Cook. Out of all four QBs, Cook actually grades out on paper as the most logical. He comes from a big program, pro style offense, and has a strong arm. However, he never achieved elite college status and he’s rumored to be a giant douche nozzle. With that being said, he seems like a perfect fit in Denver to replace Brock Osweiler.
If Connor Cook was an alcoholic drink based off his fantasy value he’d be whatever the douchiest beer on the market is right now. Then mix in whatever the douciest liquor is and make it a boilmaker.
And the other guys (aka this draft will only have four high pick QB prospects).
Dak Prescott (Mississippi State): Dak is one of those guys that went from not really being considered in the draft before 2015 to a potential second day pick. What type of drink is he? Lets say all of them since he just got a DUI this offseason.
Vernon Adams Jr (Oregon): The small framed Duck missed much of last year with a broken finger, but played big down the stretch and had a huge Shrine Game. If Adams was a drink he’d be non-alcoholic because he’s trying to embody the Russell Wilson factor of this draft. Two waters, please. One for me and one for my man Jesus.
Christian Hackenberg (Penn State): Hackenberg has hit the second most young men with balls to the face in Happy Valley since…….Kerry Collins? He’s also has some former experience with a pro coach in Bill O’Brien. Overall, he’s big and slow, so he’s a tall White Russian type of guy.
Cardale Jones (Alabama): The Twitter master is often compared to Jarmarcus Russell. Racism or realism? I’m not really sure, but either way the former national champ with limited starts is definitely a Purple Drink guy.